QUESTION I will be getting married soon what would you advise me?
REPLY:
I ask Allah Almighty to make your marriage, a gathering that takes you and your husband to tranquility, love and mercy. I also make duaa’ with what the prophet peace be upon him had invoked Allah Almighty for a newly wed couple: “Baraka Allahu lakuma wa Baraka feekuma wa jama’a baynakuma fi khire” “May Allah bless you (both) and put blessings in you, and join you in righteousness”.
It is very wise to ask for an advice on marriage before getting married. Yet, the advice that we may give someone maybe different than the advice that we may give someone else, based on his personality; character, situation…etc. The prophet peace be upon him had given different answers to different people to the same question. Such as when he was asked what the best deed was. For some he advised them to control their anger, to others he said: give charity, to other’s he said be kind to your parents. The same goes for giving advices on marriage.
Despite that, I will try to give an advice based on your place of living (i.e. the west or America) from my experience in dealing with marriage problems and being a fiqh specialist.
• Do not deal with you husband based on what your rights and his rights are. A good and an unfortunate thing is having books that list the husband’s rights and wife’s rights. Good, because it is important to know what your responsibilities are towards him, and what his responsibilities are towards you. At the same time, many misunderstand this listing and dealt with the issue as if it were a book of constitution with no life. On the theoretical stance that is true, you have rights and so does he. However, when it comes to real life practice, many sisters tend to deal with their marriage as if they were in court and not in marriage. The harmony of giving in, the harmony of tranquility, sharing moments even if they were not his right at that moment, but a gift from you is extremely important to bring in love and tranquility. And of course I would say the same to men. But my reply was to a sister, so I’ll leave my words directed at women.
Quran calls for a marriage relationship that is based on: “mawada” (i.e. giving in with love at all times), (sukoon) tranquility, which is something most marriages are losing, and mercy; a beautiful give in that was irrigated with love and tranquility. If you look at all these words, all of them tend to carry in their deep meaning living with giving in, compromising and adjustment. When and what to give in? Learn the psychology of men and your husband and use your wisdom to get the technique for that. Every man has his own character, personality, psychology. … Just like every woman has her own character. Therefore, the advice that we may give a certain woman might not suit another in her marriage.
Having the right to do something does not mean go do it, or even having the right to do it then. Be wise in choosing the time to request or talk about things. Be wise in the way you talk about it. Many sisters unfortunately, would call me and ask for an example; does Islam say I have the right to go to my parent’s house? The answer is of course: yes, you do. Yet, at a latter time, I would discover that she did not explain the situation of her question, and that resulted in problems between her and her husband. The question was not complete and therefore, the answer was not complete. Why? Because the person asking did not use her wisdom in explaining the situation at her home, her husband’s mood, or many other things that would make her visiting her parents then, not a wise thing to do. The result would be a bad day for that couple, accumulated tensions that keep adding up, and eventually lead to the husband complaining that his wife is stubborn, and she would say he does not want to give me my rights!
Do not ask for your rights on the wrong time, you will lose more rights then, unless his taqwa (i.e. piety) controlled his anger. Your duty is not to test anyone’s taqwa. Wrong times such as just came from work, or you see on his face something saying: I am tired, did not have a good day, over the phone, or is just in the wrong mood… He will have his bad moments and you will have your bad moments. I am not saying lose your rights to win your marriage. But, live on the concept of giving in with love, tranquility and mercy, that will inshaa Allah eventually bring you your rights. Make your marriage, and household a place your husband longs for. A place where your husbands finds his happiness in. Many sisters think, from what they have seen on television, that she is supposed to concentrate on her beauty and looks. Sisters, Your wisdom, you being a friend to him with your good behaviors, actions, or even having everything set, whether that was food, clothes, quietness or whatever the husband likes in the castle of your household is the string that you should learn how to use to bring about the harmony of music notes in the house. It’s okay to be traditional and simple; we are the same humans with the same emotions and psychology from Adam –peace be upon him- until today. Allah Almighty had described men as “qawamoon”, i.e. leaders of the household. So don’t fight off an instinct Allah Almighty had created in him.
Do not compare how much he is giving in and how much you are giving in. That may result in the long run your marriage looking like some kind of a buy and sell contract. Remember, you do not see yourself, but he sees you. Moreover, he does not see himself but you see him. Therefore, do not pick on his mistakes at all times, because you have your own mistakes while not noticing them. This kind of comparison will result in him trying to defend himself and proving you wrong, or that may even go as far as making you, or you making him seem like the worst person on Earth, and then exchanging accusations. These accusations are not going to bring more understanding; instead, they will start hatred and then later result in animosity and divorce between the couple. Sister, live your marriage for the sake of Allah Almighty and not for the sake of anyone else. Do not look at your marriage from the feminist’s angle, the angle that tends to see husbands as enemies; therefore, thinking that you must “FIGHT” him to get your rights. The Quran calls marriage a foundation of love and mercy, not a battle field.
Watch your voice tone. Many sisters think that if she is saying the right thing, he has to accept it. Unfortunately, that is not most people’s reaction in real life. Not all people accept truth because its right, some may refuse it, because they are in a bad mood. The way you use your voice tone for a statement, can actually mean completely the opposite or seem offensive and may result in more conflict than ease. If you do not know how to control your voice tone, write what you want to say on paper, leave it for a day, and reread what you said, then give it to him.
Avoid discussing problems during your or his anger, or even during the happiest moments. If you discuss things during anger, none of you will hear the other. If you discuss things during the happiest moments, that might break those happy “rare” moments, and perhaps both of you will eventually not feel these happy moments anymore. During your discussion, try first finding common grounds. Beware of making him seem all wrong and nothing good in him.
There is nothing wrong with saying “sorry”, even when it is not your fault, just to bring a listening ear. Because, if there are things that you want to change in him, or him in you the most important thing is having a smooth dialogue and be able to exchange ideas smoothly. Remember, this relationship is intended to be a life relationship. WINNING A HEART AND RELATIONSHIP IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WINNING AN ARGUMENT.
Sister, my words may seem harsh on sisters, but that is because I am directing my advice to them. If I were talking to a brother, I would say other things that might make me seem like a feminist.
Learn how to control your anger and your emotions: women are more sensitive than men. Sensitivity, or physical changes may lead to many unhappy moods for women. Many men do not understand that things such as morning sickness in pregnancy, or even a period can actually change her mood. At the same time, many sisters take advantage of that, and expect men to understand or succumb to her moods. We do hope that they understand those changes, and that is part of being a good Muslim. Yet, when it comes to reality, it is a different story. Sisters know your body, and learn how to control your mood swings, DO NOT LET THEM CONTROL YOU! Because that may result in a bigger problem than a mood swing.
Finally I ask Allah Almighty to give you and your husband the wisdom to make you a couple an example for other Muslims. Ameen.
These are some of my personal advices; jazaki Allah khiren. If I made any mistakes, it would be from me and the shaytan. May Allah forgive me, and guide me to saying truthful things. Ameen!
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